Things I don't understand #78...

...if I should have let CBS make the Christmas list for all the women in my life.


Watch CBS Videos Online

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

(And no, this does not appear to be a joke.)

Things I don't understand #77...

...and #63 and #2. Oh the thing? It's the ability of people to proliferate utter nonsense in the form of the BCS(Bowl Championship Series).

Yes, it's that time again. So everyone stand up, face the north, and feel free to salute in whatever way you see fit. It's the annual(6 years running!) look at "what the NCAA should actually do to decide a football champion and reduce Jason's reasons for bitching by one." If you have any awareness of my rooting interests, you might be left thinking that I'm perfectly happy with the final match-up that the BCS supplied us. In that respect, I guess I'm good. But as a wise man once said, fairness is not demonstrated in the result but in the process. And the process stinks. This year we had 5 teams finish the season with an undefeated record. So they did everything they could possibly do to win a championship, yet every member of three of those teams knows that they have zero chance of attaining that goal.

We need a playoff. One where every team in every conference has a chance to win it all at the beginning of the season. So we need a 16 team playoff to allow every conference champion to get an automatic bid. Caveat #1: If that team has more than 4 losses, they forfeit their bid. (Sorry, but we are trying to decide a champion and if you can't get through a 11 game season without losing 5 times, then we already have a pretty good indication you're not championship material.) After the 11 conferences have their teams in, we use some BCS-style poll to get our at-large bids. Caveat #2: Each conference will be limited to no more than 3 teams. (This is just to ensure that conference biases do not take control. I'm sure there's some that would have 8 SEC teams in a 16 team field if they had their druthers.) We would then seed the teams by their ranking and then let the fun begin.

Were there to be a playoff, I think there would be some obvious repercussions. First as I alluded to, regular seasons would be reduced to 11 games. That's what they were until about 5-10 years ago and I don't think it would be too big a deal to return to that. Plus, that would still limit the games the two championship contenders would play to 15. (Texas and Alabama will both play 14 games this year, so 15 is by no means an egregious amount.) Second, there would be no more conference championship games. It would only be a hinderance for a conference's top teams to play each other when they might not have to. Once again, we had 100 years of college football with out any such games yet always found a way to find conference champions so I think they can figure it out. I must admit, I believe that these conference championship games are one of the main barriers to getting a playoff. That's because they are such monumental cash cows for the conference offices and their commissioners. Those commissioners control the BCS, and why would they give up all that money(and control)? But a guy can dream, can't he?

So, I've got this years NCAA Football Playoff Bracket. And based on all the factors listed above, it's a tad convoluted. Basically, I took into account the conference championship game to signify the winner of said conference be tried not to penalize the loser for a loss because I don't believe those games would be played. (I.e. Florida will get the #2 seed instead of #6.) Just in case you were wondering, the last team in is #13 Penn State. The first team left out is BYU(Sorry, Mormons). Behold:

(1) Alabama - SEC Champ (BCS #1)
(16) Troy - Sun Belt Champ (Unranked)

(8) Ohio State - Big 10 Champ (#8)
(9) Iowa - At large (#9)

(5) TCU - Mountain West Champ (#5)
(12) LSU - At large (#12)

(4) Cincinnati - Big East Champ (#4)
(13) Penn St. - At large (#13)

(3) Texas - Big 12 Champ (#3)
(14) Central Michigan - MAC Champ (#25)

(6) Boise St. - WAC Champ (#6)
(11) Virginia Tech - At large (#11)

(7) Oregon - Pac 10 Champ (#7)
(10) Georgia Tech - ACC Champ (#10)

(2) Florida - At large (#2)
(15) East Carolina - Conference USA Champ (#26)

Despite the fact that this is the 6th year I've done this and despite the fact that it will never happen, I still get a little giddy when I stop and imagine the match-ups and the potential 2nd round games. I can't imagine wanting to miss one of them. Yet, every year, we do.

Things I don't understand #76

...Christmas Music. Or at least everyone's compulsion to start listening to it in September.

Music Monday? I like Christmas music as much as the next guy. At least, that's what I used to think. Then I started to discover that there were people roaming this great land of ours that thought that perfect chaser to All Hallows' Eve was a good rendition of "Silver Bells". I guess I just live too regimented a life, because the earliest I would ever consider spinning some "Winter Wonderland" was when the sun went down on Thanksgiving. I don't like to mix my seasons and I don't like to read ahead. As the Byrds once sang:

To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven

Besides, isn't there a bigger issue here?

That being that the catalog of favored and accepted Christmas songs seems to be somewhat limited. I mean, how many times to I need to hear "The Christmas Song" and "Silent Night" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"?(NONE.) And even though I have 27 differing renditions to choose from, I rarely need more than a good Bing Crosby or Nat King Cole. All that being said, I'm now ready to join you. It's cold. It's December. It's time for Christmas (and the appropriately corresponding tunes). BTW, not that I intend to turn every Music Monday into a commercial for Amazon.com but they are currently doing 25 Days of Free where you can get a free Christmas song everyday until THE day. (Warning! Some songs are a little more in the "Christmas Spirit" than others.) But I'm in. So let's go caroling, but you better hurry. Because when the calender reads "December 26" I'll be ready for the pages of the music catalog to "Turn, Turn, Turn."

Things I don't understand #75...

...How sex is used to sell almost everything.

Welcome to "Music Monday", sort of. Today might seem a little esoteric, but you should try wondering through my mind some time. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised to see the example I've chosen on the right. For an artist with the somewhat limited range and musical talent of Rihanna, not to mention her target audience, she probably needs to use every asset(ah-hum) at her disposal. See Britney Spears. See Lady GaGa. See Beyonce. See Shania Twain. Sex sells pop music. Sex sells R&B. Sex sells country. Got it. Got it. And got it. Now what I didn't expect was this.

One day while perusing the Amazon mp3 selection I noticed their free download of the day was some opera number. I thought,"Why not?" Everyone could use a little culture, even me, plus the price was right. Sure, it probably won't take, but I've got a pretty big hard drive(if you know what I mean). So as I was downloading the song, I glanced at the "Customers Who Bought This Song's Album Also Bought" area that featured various covers from various classical and opera albums. Now, this it not pop. Or R&B. And definitely country. Those things are products of the music industry, this is art. This is the high-minded world of the hoity-toity music lover. Surely, they wouldn't fall prey to the basest of instincts in us. After all, they just care about the music...the opulence of a string section...the power of a well trained mezzo-soprano. Surely this crowd would not be swayed by a hot chick on the cover. Right? Well, this is just a sample of what I saw:

Okay...So we all have our weaknesses. Sure, no one's wearing a barbed wire bikini, but I'm not overwhelmed by a sense that we're focusing on the music here. I really don't know why this struck me so(ok, I probably know one reason), but it just seems so odd to me. The juxtaposition of, "Hey, you should be listening to these really important works of art...and you can know this because they're performed by hot chicks." Isn't that basically Bud Light's strategy? And we all know what Bud Light tastes like. Now St. Pauli Girl, that's a beer.

Things I don't understand #74...

...Why we don't:

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
The gunpowder treason and plot,
I know of no reason
Why the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

That day is fast approaching, but it seems it did get forgot. I don't know about you, but I really had no idea about Guy Fawkes or his day until I watched the movie V is For Vendetta. The "Gunpowder Treason" could be described as an "overreaction" by some about the lack of Catholics in Parliament. What Guy Fawkes and his band decided to do was basically fill the basement underneath Westminster with gunpowder and then let'er blow during the opening day. Obviously they were found out, since tours of Parliament can be undertaken without one being submerged in the River Thames. And even though he failed, we can thank Mr. Fawkes for the fact that "Guy" is a generic term for a man. (Yeah Guy!)

Despite it's notorious element, it would seem that Fawkes legacy has become one of a revolutionary out to thwart tyranny. And that would be the theme of V is For Vendetta. In this case "V", decides to take on the whole of the futuristic, fascist British government while dressed in a black cape and wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. And in the process it has become one of my favorite movies...of all time(echo, echo, echo). So much so, that I've instituted my own tradition of celebrating Guy Fawkes Day by watching said motion picture. Feel free to join me. Showtime is tomorrow at probably around 8 p.m., my place. There might also be chili (not because of any sort of tradition, I just like chili).

Things I don't understand #73...

...If the Old 97's would teach me how to write songs.

Welcome to Music Monday! My path to becoming an Old 97's fan was a bit of a circuitous one. Because they are a Dallas band and I grew up near there, I had heard of them when I went off to college. But because they were what would have been considered an indie band, I had never really come across their music. Until one fateful day in Abilene when scouring the used CD bins at Hastings I came across Wreck Your Life for $3. Done. I then promptly put it in my CD player, listened to it once, and...didn't really think about it much after that. Weird.

But then about four years later, in another used CD store, I stumbled upon the album you see above. After giving it about a 10 second listen at the store,Too Far to Care was mine and I was Old 97's (too gay?). I thought the entire thing was one of the best records I had ever heard (still do). I then went back and listened to Wreck Your Life and realized what an idiot I had been and just missed it the first time around.

What I had missed was some great turns of phrase in the lyrics. Lines like:

I've got my wife, the other women, and the whiskey killing me.
The first two make it so that I see red. The third one makes it so that I can't see.

and

The way she tossed 'em back
I would've had a heart attack.
But as it is I let her drive my car.

We can't forget

Every other day is a kick in the shins
Every other day it's like the day just wins
But you make it all right, you make it OK
You make me sorta glad that I waited till today

And probably my favorite

If that phone don't ring one more time,
I'm gonna lose what's left of my mind.
You made a big impression for a girl of your size,
Now I can't get by without you and your big brown eyes.

I mean, come on, even Phil Jackson quotes them. They my be one of the few bands that I can quote, to some degree of accuracy, almost every song in their catalog. Anyhoo, they released a new album this year. Blame It On Gravity was good. Probably their best album in a while, but there was one song that made me jealous. It was so good that it made me wish that I had written it. It's a fairly simple country song sung not by their lead singer but by bassist Murry Hammond(which would seem to indicate he wrote that particular ditty). But despite all the clever wordplay and rollicking tunes that fill their catalog, I think this might be the best song they ever wrote. Maybe the perfect country song. Oh, it's called "Color Of A Lonely Heart Is Blue". So give it a listen and tell me why I'm wrong and my jealousy is misplaced. (I'm not and it isn't.)

Things I don't understand #72...

...Why Halloween has to be an annual thing.

If you follow this blog closely(and I mean really closely) and have a good memory(and I mean a really good memory) you might recall my stance on All Hallows' Eve. Obviously, it's not in the affirmative. Seriously, couldn't we all just do without this? The pranks. The bad candy. The begging for said candy. The over 5 billion dollar costume industry. The "haunted houses". How do we get a referendum going? I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority here, but some things never change. As this post from five years ago can attest.

...I feel compelled to say,"I hate Halloween." Not for any sort of religious reason. I actually think the whole "we'll call it Fallfest, or Harvest party, or some other obligatory church/school creation with a name that draws attention to the color of the leaves and makes every attempt not to use the word Halloween in any form" to save the children from the "evil" effects of All Hallows' Eve is a little silly. Kids can understand make believe. I grew up calling it Halloween and still did not feel compelled to worship Satan. Or trees. Nor do I think any human can fly on a broom. Speaking of growing up. I hated Halloween as a kid, too. The same drama seemed to play out every year as I would decide I was not participating in the Trick...or Treating while my little sister grew more impatient as my mom attempted to remind me of all I would be missing. I would then capitulate, but only so the tension would end... and for the candy. I still hated it. I hated dressing up. Still do. Costumes hold no allure for me. Plus, I wasn't fond of having to beg for the candy either. Not much of a beggar. I really wanted to just look up at the patronizing adult and say,"If you want to give me the candy, you see the plastic pumpkin. If not, fine. I don't really need your candy." But I didn't. I played the part. Smiled and took my wages for looking like a fool. Sister happy, Mom happy. Halloween another 364 days away. Man, I hate Halloween.

But hey, Happy Halloween!

Things I don't understand #71...

...Why I don't get invited to parties like this(see video at bottom).

Don't get me wrong. I get invited to parties(Lots and lots of parties.).  But not parties that feature very intimate settings with live bands.  So yes, I'm gonna talk about music again.  It's Monday. It's Music Monday. Go ahead, test me on this. Come back next week and see if I not talking about music again.

This week it's a band that I pretty much stumbled upon all on my lonesome called The Love Language.  And I get the feeling no one really knows about them, yet.  At least, not any of the sources I usually consult. In fact, they're so big their only internet presence comes in the form of a myspace page(Go ahead, give them a listen). But the kids are good. And having fun. They're a little more lo-fi than I usually prefer, but I found it impossible not to like their stuff. You may find it possilble not to like them, but I dare you to watch/listen to the track below and not have some involuntary toe-tapping going on. Impossible! (Added bonus: While watching the video[1:40 mark], feel free to compare and contrast the energy levels of the tamborine/keyboards chick and the bass player. Bass players: The hall monitor of the rock world.)





"Lalita" - The Love Language from Sitcom Serf on Vimeo.

Things I don't understand #70...

...why you're not listening to Lyle Lovett.

Yeah, that's what I said. If you just snickered, I hate you. Ok, hate's a strong wrong. I severely despise you and heavily question your ability to make aural judgments. I know I might have made some promises, but we're talking about Lyle here. I'm from Texas. He's from Texas. Yes, he's got kinda of an odd look. But when's the last time you married Julia Roberts. I thought so. Despite what ever you might think, he's a genius. He's what should have happened to country music in the 90's and 00's instead of Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney and Rascal Flatts and all that, well, crap that Nashville spewed out instead.

I haven't heard his new album yet, but I'm pretty comfortable saying you should go buy it right now.(Oh wow, look at that. There's a handy link right up there so you can do that. Neat.) Whether live or in a recorded format, he never disappoints. So do what's right, do it for America, and do something good for your heart and get you some Lyle Lovett today...whether you're from Texas or not.

Things I don't understand #69...

...Why the Michelin Man is white.

Seriously, he's made of tires. My lifelong experience with tires would suggest two things. One, they're made of rubber. Two, they're black. Do any color-association with a three-year-old and I'm pretty sure it would play out like this.

- "Apple?"
- "Wed!"
- "Grass?"
- "Gween."
- "Tires?"
- "Back!"

You know what I mean, though. And while I may not understand why Bibendum, creation of O'Galop at the behest of the French tire company, is white; I think he probably helped to make you racist.

I actually had the idea for this particular post a couple of weeks ago when I saw a Michelin commercial and was immediately bothered by the same question that arose when I was but a wee lad. "If he's made of tires, why is he white?" I'm almost positive I drove at least one parent to the brink of madness as I laid out my case against the Michelin Man's inherent "tirey-ness". I finally was forced to console myself--after being assured that he was indeed made of tires-- with the fact that there must be some where in the world or in history where white tires were prevalent. So, while that could be true, shouldn't at some point this character at least gotten a tan?

Anyway, I'm currently reading Blink  by Malcolm Gladwell. In it there's a brief section that talks about the unconscious or implicit racism that we all seem to carry around despite what we choose to believe, say, and do. Basically, our environment and the various influences that make up our cognitive world secretly whisper, "White good, black bad." So much so that even black people can't escape it's effect. There's even a test produced by Harvard's Project implicit you can take to see just how implicitly racist you are (I was moderately influenced, which I think is pretty impressive considering I grew up in small town Texas). And while I read this, the first thing I thought of was the Michelin Man. He may not have been created with any thought as to which color was more appropriate. But in the end, an iconic character known the world over might have become one more in the long line of influences that makes us react to people in ways we wish we didn't.

So, to all my black friends out there, I would like to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that somewhere far below the surface I might "think" something less of you than I should. (Please remember that this is in my subconscious and almost entirely out of my control. Please?) I'm sorry that your life might be harder at times because of implicit racism. I'm sorry that I liked the Michelin Man at some point. But know, as with most things, it's the French's fault.

Things I don't understand #68...

...The deal with bands that have rabbit in their name.

I would like to apologize. Not for your boredom or the lack of activity here or my general uselessness. You see, I've realized recently that I'm one of those people. Not one of the people who says they'll help you move and then "forgets" to show up, or one of those people that mows and edges the lawn and then doesn't sweep the sidewalks(my grandfather would wring my neck). No, I'm one of those people who lets their own interest in a particular topic or movement override their decision making which causes them to continually attempt to proselytize their friends until they reach an appropriate level of enthusiasm. I see now that it's hopeless. And fruitless. All my suggesting at parties what we really should be listening to, all my non sequiturs about bad and/or overrated popular music, all my homemade sampler cd's, all my making fun of other people's musical tastes--ok, strike that one-- but all the rest are over. Done.

You may be asking, "Well, what's this?" Well, this is my blog. You came here. I'm not shoving it in you face. Heck, if you don't care about music, there's a good chance you already stopped reading. Here, I can still tell you about bands you should probably be listening to for no other reason then I want to. And you can ignore it at your peril. So speaking of bands and rabbits. I've got two videos for your listening and viewing enjoyment. The first is from White Rabbits of NYC. And then we have Frightened Rabbit. Despite the fact they're lyrics can be...challenging and sometimes laced with profanity, I really like what they're dealing. Maybe it's the fact they're Scottish. But I hope you enjoy this acoustic number.

So you're welcome...and I love you...and I'm sorry.

White Rabbits "Percussion Gun" Music Video from White Rabbits on Vimeo.

Things I don't understand #67...

This...


So I stumbled upon this video and as I watched the questions just kept flooding into my mind:
1. What bride would actually go through with this? Sure, I've known some who had crazy ideas, but none of them ever had the guts to pull the trigger. And of all my friends, I can only think of one who would consider this lever of insanity.
2. How did she talk all the groomsmen into doing it? (And after watching, some of the bride maids must have been reluctant as well. At least they should have been) Had someone come to me at the rehearsal and said, "Oh, by the way Jason, we would really like it if you could shimmy, step, and strut your way down the aisle, you know, R&B style," I can't imagine my reaction would have affirmed either their choice in method of entry or groomsman.
3. Speaking of rehearsals. How many did this take?
4. What song is this? (It's "Forever" by Chris Brown. Is that ironic considering his relationship "issues"?)
5. How is it that the short, pudgy guy always seems to be the best dancer? (At least in white circles) I knew I should have taken advanced physics in college.
6. Why can't I stop watching? (Yeah, something about white people and dancing for five straight minutes.)
7. Why couldn't I have been in a wedding where I didn't have to wear a jacket? Texas + summer + jacket = sweat. Lots and lots of sweat.(Did I mention the time I almost passed out during a wedding?)
8. What's the grandmother of the groom thinking?
9. Didn't the bride need to give us a bit more? I mean, c'mon Jill, after what you just put your friends through, everyone should be involuntarily induced into a Fame flashback as you come down the aisle. Or at least think you shared a secret wish of being a featured dancer on Soul Train.

Also, I think there's a couple of things to be learned from this video.
1. Commitment to the bit, any bit, is vital to the success of the bit. The first guy down the aisle was all in, and that's the only way to make sure it doesn't go from funny to sad.
2. Most all of life is enhanced to the backdrop of a good dance beat.
3. Should I ever get married, watch out.

Things I don't understand #66...

Why the facebook is so concerned about my dating situation.

If you are familiar with the facebook, you're probably also familiar with the ads in the right side-column of each page. After some time, I noticed that they all were about essentially the same topic. I then asked around and found that no one I knew shared in my experience. Basically, that 75%-80% of the advertisements I see on there are in some way related to me getting a date and/or wife. Luckily, they can also be somewhat amusing(with the occasional shocking thrown in for good measure). What I find most entertaining is usually the photo and the accompanying headline. It seems that the facebook knows a little about me because they are at times personalized, as they mention my current location(Texas). They also seem to hit the Christian drum pretty heavily, too. Though, I don't know if that's because of anything found in my profile or just the general nature of guys wanting to date Christian girls(look it up, it's true).

Anyhoo, I spent about 15 to 20 minutes clicking around the facebook and collecting a lot of the ads(though, not all) and will now share with you some of my favs. As of yet, I've been able to withstand the onslaught and retain my dating site virginity. But feel free to vote for your favorites, and maybe I'll take it under advisement.

The picture above goes with the head line: Check out local girls - Find the largest collection of single women at Thirty Plus Singles. --

So, the facebook also knows my age and has already begun pigeon-holing me.

Romance over 30 - This is your chance to meet and chat with 30 plus singles at Mate1.

So I'm still eligible for romance? Whew!

Meet Local Women. - Connect with attractive local women at Thirty Plus Singles.

This is weird, but thirty doesn't seem as bad as it did about 10 seconds ago. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Single women over 30 - Find sexy mature women at Thirty Plus Singles.

Still thirty? Check. Sexy? Check. Women? Check. Mature? Didn't you just say thirty? Also, do mature girls really pose for pictures like that?

Meet Elite Mature Singles - Dating for mature singles can be very difficult, but it doesn't have to be. Mature Singles Only believes that no one should be alone.

No one? Ok, fine. But I'm not sure I want to date anyone who's already been officially labeled "Elite".

Now we'll move the "Christian" category:
Connect with Christians - With ChristianMingle's scientifically designed matching system, we can introduce you to your soulmate! Try it now!

Ah, bridging science to the soul. That's very holistic of you.

Want a Christian Girl? - Why don't you ask her out? It is easy to do it on Christian Mingle.com. Just send her a message. Try it free!

I think so. Why so demanding? Also, are there Christian girls that are less...frosty?

Fun Christian Singles - Meet fun Christian singles in minutes! Start your free, no obligation trial of ChristianCafe.com. Email and IM free for 10 days.

It may just be because it's the only one that included a male in the picture, but this seems less fun than creepy. Seriously, dude, you're creeping me out.

I'm assuming these are less "Christian":
It's okay to look - Sign up and meet thirty plus singles today.

Good to know. Ummm. Yeah.

Meet Hot Girls - Thousands of single girls are waiting for you now at FindingSingles, and you can join free today!

This seems overly simplistic. But I am a man, so I'm listening. Ok, so you did say "Hot".

Get a Girlfriend - Tired of being single? Meet sexy, fun girls today at True. 100% Free.

Once again, oversimplified. Once again, still a guy. It is what it is people.

Want a Girlfriend? - Tired of being single? Meet sexy, fun girls today at True. 100% Free.

Uh, no I think I'm okay. And I'm pretty sure they're not looking for boyfriends, either. At least not in the classical sense of the word.

Now for what I'll call the "niche" sites:
Meet Asian Women - Single? Meet 1000s of Asian women in your area today at Asianpeoplemeet online dating. Browse pics and videos. Join free!

Wait, should this offend me? I mean, it's not like all Asians are the same. Now Orientals...

Meet Russian Women Today - Classy, educated, beautiful Russian Ladies for classy men.

Classy...this entire process just screams, "Classy." Warning: could be a mail-order bride site.

BBW Personals - Website for BBW singles and for those that admire them. Sign up for free to view photo profiles!

Did I mention "Niche"? Warning: Do not enter BBW into google and press enter. Trust me.

And finally the "Does anyone smell desperation?" category:
Man wanted now - Due to the amoubt of female response online at Perfect Match.com, we lack men responding to their needs for attention. Chat free now!

Now! "...their needs for attention." Where do I sign up? Plus, free chatting.

Mail order brides service - For a man from Texas! Create a happy family with your Russian Bride!

When conversation is no longer an option, you can always turn to your credit card. Facebook and mail-order brides, what more does a man need?

So now all you married folks know what you've been missing. Jealousy does not become you.

Things I don't understand #65...

...the facebook.

Ok, so I get that it's a "social networking" site, but do any of us know what that really means? And I even get how it works(to a certain extent), but most of my time spent on the site seems to involve me thinking,"Is this what I'm actually supposed to do?" I thought impersonal electronic interaction was supposed to remove uneasiness. Yet, it seems we've just added an entirely new category of social tension. I've had to institute a whole new protocol to ensure I maintain a respectable level of facebook etiquette. I.e., anyone who wants to be my facebook friend gets to be my facebook friend, providing they've supplied a profile picture(got to make sure they're committed). This rule had to be implemented because so many people who wanted to be my facebook friend where never actually, well, my friend. I currently have 96 friends on facebook(yes, I'm well aware I'm a loser), yet a quick survey revels less than half of those have ever been my friend at any time and at any loosely defined level. And of those, I have a current relationship with less than half. Now, some people who I don't really know I actually wouldn't mind knowing, but I don't...yet, we're "friends". It's all so confusing.

There's also a myriad ways of communicating just via facebook. You can use "the wall", but there's also the inbox which works essentially like email. And there's always the status updates, which allow you not only to let people know what you're up to, but comment on what other people are up to. I've had conversations with people using all three methods, but what's the preferred method? (And sometimes people mistakenly leave a message on your wall about your status instead of just commenting on it. Talk about confusion!) And what do people want on their wall? I guess what I want to know is, how many of these methods can I use to ask a girl out? Ok, I want to retract that, or redact it, or something. I'm sorry.

Plus, I'm having a little trouble reconciling this new social contract I've apparently entered into with the fact that everyone seems to agree that the facebook is a complete waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I'm not sure why. Plus(and this is probably just something that effects me), haven't I just found another way to disappoint and offend people? It's a gift, I know. But I'm good enough at it when people can actually hear the inflection in my voice. I guess it's just another occupation hazard of always having to carry this acerbic wit wherever I go, but I digress. All I'm saying is, the facebook? Good...and well, bad...oh, and welcome to facebook week.

Things I don't understand #64...

...People who think they have four eyes, three hands, and two brains.

So I was out the other day during the later stages of rush hour. I was on Central Expressway, yet moving at a fairly un-expressway rate of speed(and in case you aren't aware, Central is a place of many lanes and going fast). Finally, the waters parted, and there was opportunity for all of us to collectively express our liberty by way of the accelerator...except for the car in front of me. I could see the lane preceding it and it's relative openness. Despite that, there was no increase in speed and there was even some random breaking. I began to question the heavens(and really, I wouldn't be surprised if other drivers might have heard me considering the volume of my query) as to why the car refused to speed up or remove itself from the roadways. As we parted ways, I was, for a moment, next to the car and was able to peer in on the driver to see if they were injured or truly(as I expected) mentally impaired in some way. As I gazed at her(no comment), I decided she was not hurt but decided to table the latter. For I then saw the true reason for her inexplicable driving habits. There was a cell phone...and she wasn't trying to talk on it. SHE WAS TEXTING!!!!

Now I know there's some disagreement out there about whether it's possible to talk on the phone and safely pilot one's vehicle(it is), but I think we can all agree that typing coherent words and even sentences on a device while checking your work on a tiny screen should probably not be done at speeds above 10 mph. If you're at a red light, text away. But as soon as it turns green, PUT THE PHONE DOWN! And you sure as Hades better not sit there while the light is green. Even if you were to find yourself on the same freeway in stop and go traffic, if you wanted to broadcast a couple of "LOL's" during the stop portion, I'm willing to look past it. But we're not talking about those scenarios, we're talking about actual movement. And needing to be aware of your surroundings and other drivers while moving at a high rate of speed.

So on this exact same trip, as I returned home, I got back onto Central. At this point, it was much more welcoming. As I merged onto the thoroughfare and accelerated, I was once again met with a dangerous obstacle. A car doing fifty in front of me. Now that might not seem dangerous, unless every other car is doing 70...which they were. I could tell you what happened or you could just re-read the first paragraph. Because it was the exact same story. No lie. A woman(no comment) texting on her phone. Apparently, God get's a kick out of sending me in to rage induced histrionics on our roadways. Good one, God, good one. Oh, and what I found most interesting was neither of these drivers were teenagers as one might expect. Instead, both were at least in their thirties, maybe forties; the elder being no younger than fifty. So apparently, this epidemic has no age-limits.