Thursday, March 30, 2006

A grievous error

What have I done? What have you done? So, I struggle back from my hiatus to be told that I've produced the greatest work of literature since The Pilgrim's Progress. The whole point was: I've got nothing (that should be put on my tombstone, BTW). Ok, maybe that wasn't the point, but now I feel all this pressure. Ok, so maybe I don't feel all this pressure, but if it's 6 weeks until another post shows up you only have yourself to blame...and the fact that I got blackballed from my sunday school class.

About that now legendary email, a couple of notes. One, just in case anyone thought I would, or more importantly could, make up such a thing, I did not. It was cut and pasted directly into this lovely blog. Two, the dude is, I believe, older than me. So his overt and excessive cheesiness cannot be blamed on his youth because if he's as old as I am, he can not lay claim to any. Other possible explanations? Insanity or maybe gayness. Third, just so we're clear. When I say "Gay" I don't mean "homosexual". I just mean that your doing something that might require revocation of your "Man card". This is why any and all Gay/Not Gay scenarios cannot involve women. Women can still get away with using hearts to dot their "i"'s. If a guy pulled that... GAY.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Doing right by you...and wrong by everyone else

I'm sorry. engagement
Now, I really do want to give you good people something to read. It's just, I don't actually want to expend the energy to write something. So, in my triumphant return I will be both lazy and mean. Two of my specialties, if I do say so myself. I've mentioned in the past the e-mails I occasionally get from my old Sunday school class. Most of them get deleted. Some get read just enough to see there's no reason not to delete them immediately. Some...some go down in the "You really need a blog hall of fame". This particular one marries that feat (rock me!) with entry into the "Gayest e-mail hall of fame". So, as you can see I'm about to do something very mean. I am about to make fun of an e-mail sent to me via my Sunday School class. But, as I said previously, God should not allow me to be tempted in such ways. I will always fail. I will try to point out all the ways that this email is gay, which is kind of ironic considering the subject of the email. Without further delay, here's the email with the subject of "I'm engaged" (names have been changed in a feeble and half-arsed attempt to protect the innocent).
Hey folks! I'm in Illinois right now, kind of hanging out with my parents for a week or two while I pound madly away at my dissertation all day. Anyway, I'm engaged!!!!
Sending an email announcing your engagement: GAY
Last Saturday was the SPECIAL day. I had picked FEMALE up from Indiana University in Bloomington the weekend before, and we'd spent the week, her spring break, rather quietly, hanging out with my parents (this was HER idea--she loves my parents). Finally Saturday arrived, which I'd told her would be special. She suspected something was up, but she didn't know much more than that.

It was destined to be a star-filled day.
That sentence: GAY
In the morning, I took her to Chicago's Adler Planetarium, which overlooks Lake Michigan. On the way there, we read from my field guide to the constellations. The cover of the book features a depiction of Ursa Major, the big bear. Her nickname for me is "Bear," so we had a little laugh about that.
Cute nickname talk: GAY
The planetarium was SO much fun.
SO much? : GAY
It's located on Lake Michigan, so it has a breathtaking vista which we really enjoyed. And because we're both museum lovers, we soaked in learning the whole day. For us, an ideal day!
Ending sentences with exclamation marks: GAY

The museum closed at 4:30, and as it was closing, the cafe area began hosting a wedding reception. So love was already in the air. :)
That sentence: VERY GAY
Use of emoticons: GAY
I then took her to this incredibly deluxe restaurant located on the top floor of the Hancock Building, one of Chicago's tallest skyscrapers. The reservations were for 5:30pm, so we were there in time to see the sunset blazing on Chicago's skyline as we enjoyed some EXTREMELY gourmet fare. I also had a bag of Godiva Chocolates with me, which I'd picked up from Northpark Mall.
Describing not only the brand of chocolate, but where it was purchased: GAY.
A week ago, I told her I had a surprise for her, but I wanted to throw her off the scent by telling her she could EAT the surprise (so she'd thing it wasn't a ring). The bag was part of the ruse. She didn't know there was a ring stashed in the bottom.
Thinking your fiance is actually falling for the "ruse": GAY

The plan was to eat our after-dinner chocolates somewhere special--that's all she knew. Well the FULL plan was to walk a block away to Watertower Place, where a horse-drawn carriage awaited us. Imagine my shock to find that it was physically impossible to cross the street to our carriage--an anti-war parade was blocking the way! On the spur of the moment, I whisked her into WaterTower Mall. Thankfully, a few minutes later, the parade had passed.
Getting all worked over a possible minor departure of plans: GAY
However, there was another hitch in the plan. I had arranged to have the carriage bring us to Navy Pier, which is right on Lake Michigan. (Navy Pier is like a cross between an old-school theme park and a high-tech entertainment venue that hosts plays, etc.)
Navy Pier (despite the name): GAY
However, though the parade had passed, the street itself was still virtually closed! And it stood between us and the Pier. I quickly suggested that we spend some time looking at books in a really deluxe Borders Bookstore
Overuse of the word deluxe, especially describing a chain bookstore: GAY
that's right on Michigan Avenue. (Sidenote: Michigan Avenue, a.k.a. the Magnificent Mile, is Chicago's version of 5th Avenue in New York.)
Sidenotes: GAY
Finally I slipped away from FEMALE in the bookstore, discovered that the street was now clear, and arranged to have the carriage take us down. Then I returned to FEMALE. She thought we were headed home. Instead, I brought her inside a beautiful horse-drawn carriage! Clop-clop-clop went the horse as we headed toward our mystery destination.
Onomatopoeic description of carriage ride: GAY
Gradually our goal was revealed to her: Navy Pier, where we'd had so much fun together last summer!
Did I mention the exclamation marks? : Still GAY
We enjoyed the lights, but primarily we headed to a secluded sandy beach just north of the Pier that we had enjoyed some months ago. As we approached the lapping waves of Lake Michigan, we looked up at the stars we had studied earlier in the day. Again I pointed out Ursa Major, the great bear. I then gave her a special chocolate from the bag, and as she was taking it out of its special container, I held her and said, "FEMALE, you can see that the sky has a bear... but you don't! FEMALE, could I be your bear??
Do you really need me to tell you? : Super GAY
FEMALE [getting down on one knee and opening up the case with the ring], would you marry me??" Angels appeared overhead and rejoiced (I think, kind of fuzzy after this) as FEMALE wept and we held each other!
The phrase "we held each other": GAY
A long, romantic ride back in the carriage followed, and our drive back to Morris. As we neared home, we opened a box of Godiva Chocolates. As FEMALE bit into the first one, I began playing a CD I'd burned while still home in Dallas. It was a compilation of "our songs," first Sinatra's "I've Got You Under My Skin," then Louis Armstrong's "Only You," and finally Judy Garland singing, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
The compilation: GAY
Judy Garland: Very GAY
I'd been singing these songs to her all week, so it was the culmination of days of preparation.
A week of those songs...being sung: GAY

It was too magical to go back home right away, so we went to a nearby park which is situated right on the Illinois river.
"Too magical"?: GAY
It was deserted and romantic. We opened the doors of the car, cranked up the music, and danced there in the dark next to the river, to the lilting rhythms of Sinatra.
Erroneously ascribing "rhythms" to Sinatra: GAY
The evening's finale came after we got home. I decided to wash FEMALE's feet. (Thanks for the idea, Alana!) I sat her down on her bed, brought in a special bowl and towel, and washed her feet, as an emblem of the life of service I would live for her, loving her as Christ loved the church!
My faith in God precludes me from commenting on the washing of feet thing

I think we did some kissing after that. Anyway, the bottom line is... I popped the question, and FEMALE said Yes!!! :)
Triple exclamation, emoticon : GAY and GAY

Your welcome and I'm sorry...again.