Today I want to talk about someone very influential in my life. Someone who holds a special place in my heart. This person has an unusual knack for showing up at that moment when my guard is down, when I'm at my most vulnerable. It's a relationship that seems purely the fruit of happenstance, timing. But is it? The fact that it's reached this level never fails to make me more than a little tense, but it exists nonetheless. The person I speak of...is my Pee Buddy.
Yes that's right, I said it,"My Pee Buddy." I didn't choose him, and hopefully(please dear God), he didn't choose me. You might be asking,"What is a Pee Buddy?" Well, it is a phenomenon of the workplace where 30 or more people must share a single bathroom. At first, it just seems like deja vu, but after a while you realize (thought bubble forms above my head),"this guy is on the same bathroom schedule as me." Who can fully know the physiological mysteries that bring people together in such a manner. Where, in the male case, the must stand side by side, day after day.
Here's the other issue. I have very strict bathroom etiquette. The main one being - No talking while taking care of business...so to speak. I'll allow a brief convert at the sinks, but it still sorta disturbs me. But my Pee Buddy is a talker. And sometimes it's so confusing that I must reply (I usually try to limit those to one word answers) at length. So now, not only do I have to deal with the fact I have a Pee Buddy, which may or may not be gay, but not gay gay, just...well...see Bob and Dan for what I mean(link); but I also know that looming is an uncomfortable conversation from which I cannot flee. Is it bad that I've been known to keep walking on by if I see my Pee Buddy approaching the men's room door right ahead of me? Probably, but sanity is kept by such a razor thin margin. And I rate sanity more important than my Pee Buddy's forlorn urinal longings for awkward conversation, or at least generic talk, which sucks the life-force right out of me. (Possibly a future topic)
I typical "encounter" goes something like this. I enter the restroom and take my place at the wall. I hear the door open and shake my head in disbelief. It like he has surveillance set up. The Pee Buddy assumes the position next to me. And just as the silence seems to have set in and I begin to relax in the belief that this meeting will be conversation-free, it begins...
Pee Buddy: "So number 7, huh?"
Me (Perplexed look crosses my face...): "Scuse me?"
PB : "Oh I noticed you're wearing a number 7...on the back of your shirt."
Me : "Oh, yeah" (I then remember what I'm wearing)
PB : "So, you went to Japan?"
Me : "No, just a shirt..." (Trying to figure how to break the news to the guy that just because I bought a $10 shirt at UrbanOutfitters that is some loose copy of a Japanese soccer jersey, I have no real connection)
Me : "Ok, hope we don't wash away in this storm" (I leave, but hate myself for resorting to generic guy talk, the most abhorrent form being weather talk)
I walk away from the "encounter" completely drained.
I have a "very good friend" (also using hands as quotes for emphasis) who shall remain nameless who used to work in a certain Capitol in the D.C. area. She told me that not only did she have a Female Pee Buddy who was blind, but this certain blind woman had a seeing-eye dog. So she had a Canine Pee Buddy by proxy. I can't imagine the tension and stress this would cause me. Does the fact that the other person is blind remove the necessity to speak? Or make it required? Do you also greet the dog? Is the dog suspicious of seeing the same "other person" in the restroom every time their master goes. Too much. Even now I'm getting dizzy from the potential uncomfortableness.
Couple of notes.
(1)every time I see my Pee Buddy I hear the jingle for the male doll from the 80's, My Buddy, in my head and I can't get it out. (Song breaks out) "Pee Buddy, Pee Buddy, He goes every time I go. Pee Buddy, Pee Buddy."
(2)Some people may be saying, "How do I get a Pee Buddy?" Well, you don't. Only us fortunate few, explicitly "blessed" (fingers again) by the Lord above get them. And you're not, so there!
That's it. I have to go to the restroom. Pray for me....and my Pee Buddy.