Friday, February 11, 2011

Things I don't understand #81...

…What’s a good Valentines Day gift.

So, it would seemed I dodged this bullet once again. (Hey, life’s a bitch.)(What? No, no. I said “life” and that’s what I meant.) But, I figured for all those poor saps out there staring down the proverbial barrel of the proverbial gun, I would try to help. It makes no difference if it’s a completely made up holiday or not, the clock for you is ticking like you’re heading into a ‘24’ commercial break. 

Anyhoo, you could get candy, but it’s lame. Pretty, pretty lame (Unless you’re 10…or attempting a little Valentines Day ironic humor). The default seems to be flowers. Do that, but don’t just hand them to her. That defeats the purpose. Sure, chicks dig flowers, but what they dig even more is their co-workers being jealous that they got flowers. I’ve made this mistake before, and well, look at me. So, flowers…delivered: check. Then there’s jewelry.  Honestly, I feel like jewelry is too substantial a gift to give on a made up holiday, but I guess if you’re rolling in dough, go nuts. But I feel like I need to introduce you to a little concept called “managing expectations.” I also hear there’s those(married, of course) who go the lingerie route. I think I grasp the pros of this approach, but it also seems there could be some definite cons.  I.E. the collective minefields of style and size (have you ever seen Hurt Locker?) and that fails to mention how the obviousness of your “motives” might be received. I wish you luck, but tread lightly, brother, tread lightly.

It should be obvious that you also must provide a nice dinner. As to what a “nice” dinner might mean for you and yours, I cannot assist. But this is not the “Price is Right”, so it’s much safer to ‘go over’. Oh, and if you uttered the phrase “Valentines weekend” at any point, I still want to punch you.

You’re probably starting to get a sinking feeling that this post is actually going to be no help to you at all. That really shouldn’t shock you, though. I mean, just log on to the Facebook and check my relationship status. Exactly. Consider this your first installment in the “Managing Expectations” lesson series. You might also notice that I offered no suggestions for the ladies out there. I don’t really think this needs explanation, but I feel safe in assuring you it will require no monetary outlay.

That reminds me, CBS Cares(my favorite PSA provider) has a gift idea that I somehow didn’t think of. Let me know how this one works out for you.

6 comments:

Steve Bezner said...

Did he really just say "family jewels"?

Team Chamness said...

with your wit and humor I am again astounded that you are sweetie-less.

Jason...aka Farky said...

I wasn't gonna comment, but my wit an humor demand I say,"Bite me."

Kristen said...

Erin and I discovered this post about 30 minutes from home this afternoon. I read it aloud to her in the car with frequent pauses for wheezing laughter, and that was without the video. Well done.

Mindy said...

Thank you, thank you. I'm glad your blogging again and making me laugh. :)

Whatcha Know About Willis? said...

HAHAHA!!! Love it!