Your National Team: The Yanks go marching in...

As you can see by the newly added timer on the left, the time is near at hand. The U.S. National team will take the pitch against their first opponent, the Czech Republic, on June 12. I guess this would be as good a time as any to let you know who's who and what's what as far as U.S. Soccer goes.

Landon Donovan(Club team - L.A. Galaxy)
The 24 year-old midfielder is the best American player and should be the one to make this team go. He's the USA's version of Ronadinho, Totti, and Zidane. I'm not saying he's as good as any of them, but the potential is there (Ok, maybe not Ronadinho, but you know what I'm saying). In this version it would seem that for the U.S. to be successful, Donovan needs to be at his best. And if he plays the way some people think he can, he can be the best player on the field.

Brian McBride(Club Team - Fulham FC)
Brian McBride has become a respected striker in recent years as he has plied his craft in the English Premiership after transferring out of MLS. He's known best and most for scoring with his head off balls crossed into the box. He's a tireless worker who should start every game. Not spectacular, but very good and a good guy to have on your team.



Claudio Reyna(Club Team - Manchester City)
A mid-fielder, and the team captain, who is probably the US’s most respected player overseas. His job is to control the ball and hopefully dictate the pace of the game to the level coach Bruce Arena has decided. I've got to be honest, some might say that Reyna is our best player, but I don't see it. I generally want to ask the question, "What's he ever done?" I'm sure those people would say I just don't know what to look for. They may be right, but I'm not convinced. Either way, he's an important cog in the machine.

DaMarcus Beasley(Club Team - PSV Eindhoven)
In 2002 he was the X-factor. An ultra quick, super speedy winger opposing teams weren't sure how to defend. Time in Europe has developed him into a more all-around player, but he still has the ability to cause havoc. He might not be as important as he was in the last World Cup, but he's still crucial to the U.S. chances of getting out of the first round. Oh, and his small, real small. Beasley's listed at 5'8", 145. I might be willing to challenge both of those numbers in a court of law.

John O'Brien(Club Team - Chivas USA)
After spending most(maybe all?) of his career for the high profile Ajax of the Dutch league, O'Brien returned to the U.S. to play in MLS. The main reason is injuries. One after another, that caused him to miss most of the last 2 seasons. Healthy, he's really good. Landon Donovan has called him the greatest U.S. player...if he's healthy. And it's a huge "if". Most followers will be equally grateful and shocked should he make it through all three games unscathed. Oh, he's plays the midfield and has the ability to see the field and make passes few can...if he's healthy.

Kasey Keller(Club Team - Borussia Moenchengladbach)
As goalkeeper, and a pretty good one, Keller may be the one person on this team with the ability to single-handedly change the course of a game, this team, and maybe even the tournament. Some say that he's a top-five keeper in the world. I don't know enough to argue with them, but nothing I've seen from Keller would give me reason to consider doing so. A good goalkeeper can suck the life right out of an opponent because one spectacular save can nullify everything they've done right up to that point. Keller is big and strong, and at 37 this is most certainly his last chance to make a stand on the world stage. He may be the player I'm least worried about as the World Cup begins.

Eddie Johnson(Club Team - Kansas City Wizards)
First, I love this guy. It may have something to do with the fact that I watched him for the first 5 years of his professional career as he played for Dallas before being traded in this most recent off-season. Oh, and he's only 22. For all you math majors out there, that would mean his career began when he was 16. If things go they way I think they should, he should be playing up top (forward) next to McBride. He adds an element that few teams can boast, at least to this degree, and that element is speed. Speed, speed, speed. What I'm saying is, "He's fast." You will need to remember that that particular advantage does not always show up in the way you might expect. What is does do, is put a bit of fear into defenders for they know that should Eddie decide he wants to be by them, he can. The big question mark is can Johnson finish the chances his abilities provide. If he does, you're probably looking at the next (first?) world soccer star to emerge from these shores.

Oguchi Onyewu(Club Team - Standard de Liege)
"Gooch", as we'll call him, is a beast of a defender. Six-foot-four and 210 pound of muscle. To all us NFL fans that may seem pedestrian, but in the world of soccer it's somewhat extraordinary. Especially, since we're talking about US Soccer. He's another rising star who will try to physically dominate the other side's striker and hopefully not collect too many cards. It should be noted that because of his size, his fouls can draw extra attention from the refs. That's a bad thing, but a bi-product we're willing to deal with because of his obvious potential.

Bobby Convey(Club Team - Reading FC)
Convey has probably had the best year of any player at the club level as he was a vital cog in helping Reading earn passage into the Premiership from his left wing position. He's a fairly speedy guy who likes to take on defenders and hopefully create scoring chances. Convey's gone from someone on the bubble of even making the national team to a player that I think should be starting on June 12. Bruce Arena might not agree, but what does he know? This guy's not scared to challenge anyone, and "fearless" is typically a good quality when you’re getting ready to take on the world. If he doesn't start, there's a good chance he'll be the first off the bench should the US need an offensive spark.

Steve Cherundolo(Club Team - Hannover 96)
This is your starter at right back, another solid guy who continues to be more and more dependable. He can also make the occasional run up the wing to join in the attack and send in some nice crosses.





Eddie Pope(Club Team - Real Salt Lake)
Ok, time for a little brutal honesty. The guy scares the gravy out of me. It's not to say that he won't be good, he's just been a little up and down. At times he can look old (he's 33) and lost. Not good when you're supposed to be manning the central defense. Other times he actually can look quite good and in total control. Oh God, please let it be the latter.

Eddie Lewis(Club Team - Leeds United)
Four whatever reason, the US cannot develop a left back. Thus, Eddie Lewis, even though he plays almost exclusively mid-field for his club side, will be manning that position. He's a smart player with good tools, but he will be playing out of position so he could be short on some technical skills. Recent injuries (Hejduk and Gibbs) make Lewis even more vital than he was just weeks ago. Oh, because he is a midfielder his is quite capable of using his speed to add a player to the attack.

Clint Dempsey(Club Team - New England Revolution)
Clint is a young player (22) who could become quite important should injury befall one of the midfielders. Even so, the Texan (how many Texans have played in a World Cup?) is slick on the ball and brings a similar game to the pitch as Convey. I wouldn't be shocked if he found his way into all the games and maybe even started one.

Pablo Mastroeni(Club Team - Colorado Rapids)
Pablo is a defensive midfielder who would most likely be the first off the bench should the USA find themselves leading and in hopes of holding it. Some people might call him a "hack", and well...well he's our hack! So, I don't know what they're talking about.





Carlos Bocanegra(Club Team - Fulham FC)
If Eddie Pope is not the guy or falters, Carlos is more than capable to step in. He's been playing in the Premiership for a couple of years now, and his play has shown that he belongs.

Brian Ching(Club Team - Houston Dynamo)
Josh Wolff(Club Team - K.C. Wizards) The only two players remaining that will probably see any significant playing time are the two other forwards, Ching and Wolff. I might be over simplifying to say that Ching would replace McBride and Wolff would replace Johnson, but that's what I suspect. They both bring similar skill sets to those they sit behind. There is some evidence to suggest that Wolff could start if Arena decides that match-ups dictated such a move, but I would be mildly surprised.



So there you have it, more comprehensive than anyone could have ever wanted. First, let me say that the prospects for the US moving on to the second round are probably 50/50 at best. That's not because they're not as good as last time--I think they're much better--it's just that they're first round opponents are quite stiff. If you need some encouragement, keep this in mind, a large portion of the players listed above (Donovan, Beasley, Johnson, Convey, Onyewu, Dempsey) are under the age of 24. This is not a team on the way out; this is still a team on the way up.

Players to Watch: Who are these guys?

The more I think about it, the more the idea of this post becomes silly to me. A soccer neophyte (me) writing a guide for World cup soccer games. But here I am and here you are. I will do my best to at least give you the heads up on those who anyone who considers themselves a soccer fan should recognize. That way, should you find yourself watching the World Cup you can impress others with your limited knowledge of the top players.

Ronadinho

Brazil (Club Team - Barcelona)
Yes, he only goes by one name (it's oh-so Brazilian), and yes he's the ugliest man in soccer; but he's also considered the best player in the world. Typically playing an attacking midfield position, he's the one who will be making the incredible pass hoping to set up Ronaldo (see, one name) or any other numerous one-named Brazilian players. He's very hard to dispossess(take the ball from) as the ball just seems to stick to his feet. Oh, and he can score, too. Man, can he score.

Thierry Henry

France (Club Team - Arsenal)
He's French, so the last name's pronounced On-Ree. He's become the quintessential striker. A center forward who can score from anywhere and create chances all by himself. Some might question whether he plays his best at the international level, but you probably want to watch for yourself.

Michael Ballack

Germany (Club Team - Chelsea)
A hard working mid-fielder who's a monster in the air and got a pretty heavy foot. If he's scoring, though, the ball's probably just come off his head. He considered by many to be Germany's only world-class player (at least the only one who doesn't play in goal), but he was good enough to get them to the final game of World Cup 2002 before he was forced to miss it due to an accumulation of yellow cards. A player to be feared, even if he does look like Matt Damon.

David Beckham

England (Club Team - Real Madrid)
Surely, you know this guy, right? Here's how the BBC describes England's captain:"Clothes horse, gay icon, pop-star husband... oh, and a multi-million pound galactico with a golden right-foot who likes nothing better than delivering on the biggest stage." Truly, he's quite deadly on set pieces anywhere inside 40 yards(maybe more). But I feel I should take this opportunity to say to those who assumed that because he's the soccer player whose name you know he's the best. He's good, but he ain't that. His talent shows up most when taking free kicks and passing balls into the box to be headed by teammates. Not particularly fast or quick, just hard working and effective.

Francesco Totti

Italy (Club Team - Roma)
Totti is another of those offensive mid-fielders who, if things are going well, is the one who makes his team go. Quote:"Totti’s best position is in the hole just behind the two strikers, where his vision, passing and trickery are most effective. His shooting is excellent and his body strength also allows him to mix it with the toughest of defenders. Forthcoming opponents of Italy conceding free kicks around the penalty area do so at their peril." Enough said. He's good and his name is fun to say.

Ronaldo

Brazil (Club Team - Real Madrid)
You might be saying, "But you already had one Brazilian." Yeah, well, I could probably put about 7 of them on this list. That should give you a good indication of why Brazil is ranked #1 in the world and expected to repeat as World Cup champions. As far as Ronaldo, considered one of the greatest strikers of all time, he's still not what he was before a flurry of knee injuries that many thought would end his career. Even so, he is still a big man who can move well and make multiple defenders look foolish on the same play. Despite the fact that he's only 30 and missed at least 2 seasons to injury, he's been FIFA World Player of the Year 3 times. He's real good; a player by which other greats of the game are measured.

Zinedine Zidane

France (Club Team - Real Madrid)
At 34, he's on the down-side of his career. It was thought that the last World Cup would be his international finale, but he reversed field and has decided to make one more go at it. A midfielder known for spot-on passes and dazzling goals, I guess it could be said he was Ronaldinho before Ronaldinho was Ronaldinho. It's generally accepted that at some point during every game he'll do something that makes you say, "Wow."

Raul

Spain (Club Team - Real Madrid)
At 28, Raul is already Spain's all-time leading scorer. The striker, who also serves as team captain, is already considered a legend. Yeah, that's right, a Spanish football legend before he's thirty. If he can't out-skill you (which he probably can), he'll out work you. He's one of the biggest stars of the game. That's why he only needs one name, too.

Juan Roman Riquelme

Argentina (Club Team - Villarreal)
Another midfielder who can pass like nobody's business (Does anyone else see a pattern forming here?). "Riquelme has always stood out due to his intelligence, outstanding ability to keep hold of the ball and fearsome shot." I really don't know what else to add. It's Argentina, who can tic-tac you do death with their passing, and he's considered the best of the bunch.

Ruud van Nistelrooy

Netherlands (Club Team - Manchester United)
Ruud, whose claim to fame is being the main man for ManU during their dominance of the early Oughts, will be playing in his first World Cup after Holland somehow failed to qualify in 2002. If he's not going well, the Dutch could be screwed, but he's still an elite striker on a team with a complement of world class players(i.e. Arjen Robben). I also hear the ladies really dig him, but I don't see it. Oh, I guess he's not the BMOC for ManU anymore, and that's because of...

Wayne Rooney

England (Club Team - Manchester United)
...this guy. This should tell you what you need to know: "Now 20, he is widely considered the finest natural talent in English football since Paul Gascoigne but where Gazza was 22 when he made his international debut, Rooney was already England’s most important player at 18...He appears to do things at a different speed to everyone." You should know that because of a recent foot injury, Rooney's presence in Germany is suspect. If you see him in this World Cup it will probably require England to advance past the first round, which shouldn't be a problem. He's young, he's brash, and a bit of a hothead. But he can score, and in bunches, even on the biggest of stages.

Pavel Nedved

Czech Republic (Club Team - Juventus)
A goal-scoring, playmaker of a midfielder (see what I mean) whose return after a momentary retirement from international play makes the Czech team even more formidable than they already are. Along side other elite players like Jan Koller, Karel Poborsky, Milan Baros, Petr Cech and Tomas Rosicky; expect the tireless Nedved to make his first (and last) World Cup appearance one he can be proud of. His first game will be against the U.S.A., so he's definitely someone to watch out for.

Cristiano Ronaldo

Portugal (Club Team - Manchester United)
A winger (midfielder) who creates havoc with his speed and skill; taking on defenders and making runs that force defenses react. There's a bit of flashiness and trickery in Ronaldo's game that fuels his youthful confidence.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Sweden (Club Team - Juventus)
The key word when talking about the Swedish striker is confident. As the picture might seem to indicate he has no problem letting his opponents know how good he thinks he is. Unfortunately for them, he also seems to have the goals to back it up. The young (age 24) Ibrahimovic brings both power and skill to the pitch (soccer word for field) and surely will be looking to prove himself on the world biggest stage.

Didier Drogba

Ivory Coast (Club Team - Chelsea)
This forward is a physical specimen. He's a premier scorer for one of the elite clubs in the world. Ivory Coast is a team to be taken seriously, in large part because of the presence of Drogba.

Michael Essien

Ghana (Club Team - Chelsea)
Essien is the biggest, and possibly only, star of team USA’s last first round opponent. A young midfielder who's just surpassed Drogba as the most expensive African footballer, he forces the action and scores goals. He is also the player U.S.A. must ensure doesn't beat them.



I'm sure some soccer expert will show up and tell you who I've left off and who I should have put on this list. Their probably right, but like you know.

World Cup Prep. : Your soccer primer

As you may or may not know, this June I will leave this great land for foreign soil. The particular place of escape will be the country of Germany. It just so happens that simultaneously with my visit the World Cup of soccer will be occurring and I plan to attend a minimum of 3 games in said tournament. Some of you who do know me may have a hard time getting your brain around all this. You probably didn't know I was that big of a soccer fan (I'm not sure I am) or you have no idea what the big deal is. Some may want to give this soccer thing a try but really don't have any clue as to where to start. Well, I am by no means an expert, but there's a pretty good chance I'm going to beating you down with this stuff for the next couple of months --including, hopefully, blogging while in Germany and experiencing all the World Cup can offer-- so I'll do my best to give some insight.

First, some basics about the tournament. It happens every four years and consists of 32 teams representing their country. I should probably mention that this current World Cup has actually been going on since September of 2003. That's why you will hear soccer types refer to this as the World Cup finals. Back then, there were 194 teams. This should give some perspective to those who think qualifying should be a given for the U.S. or any other team. All the various qualifying segments got us down to the teams that have since been divided into 8 groups of 4. Two teams from each group will move on after the round-robin phase to play in a 16 team, single-elimination tournament for the very underwhelming trophy pictured above. So, each team is guaranteed at least 3 games. I, myself, will be at each of USA's first round games and hopefully return to my native land to watch their run to the cup. Ok, most likely I'll be watching Brazil's run to the cup, but what are we if we can't hope and dream? I can’t wait.

Look for future episodes on topics like, "players to watch", "teams to look out for", and "Meet the US National team." I bet you can’t wait, either.

More thoughts on sports that you don't care about and probably disagree with

My friends, we are mere days away from the NFL draft. An event most probably find inconsequential at best, but that I absolutely love. I don't know why. Feel free to psychoanalyze me. Don't care. All I know is, Norm and I are on the same page here.

There seems to be a no-brainer this year as far as whom the top pick should be. In case you don't know, it's this guy. Oh, that's Reggie Bush from the National Champion Runner-Up USC Trojans. The all-everything-greatest-running back/receiver-in the history of college football...Or something like that. There seems to be a consensus that Mr. Bush will revolutionize football. That he will take the NFL by storm. Don't get me wrong, I think Reggie's pretty dang good. I think he can be useful to your NFL team. I'm just not convinced he's going to be a franchise player. Basically, the question that keeps popping up in my mind is this: "Is Reggie Bush all that much different Dante Hall?" Yes, that's what I said. And yes, I mean this Dante Hall. You know, the one who was the ultra-fast, under-sized scat back from Texas A&M.. Does that description remind you of anyone? No? Not of maybe a certain guy who won the Heisman last December?.

People love to talk about how Reggie will be able to do so much for his team. He can play running back, receiver, and return kicks. Yet, I don't think he can be any NFL team's every down back. Heck, he couldn't even win that job in college. And I don't think he'll return many kicks in his NFL career, either. It's far too dangerous to give the 11 guys on the other team a clean run at the guy you just gave a $30 million signing bonus. And just remember, Reggie played his college ball with possibly the most talented offense ever assembled. A Heisman winning quarterback and probably 75% of the offense will play in the NFL. Once again, I'm not saying his going to suck, but I'm not convinced we should enshrine him Canton before game 1.

That's all I got.

No more positivity

Ok, coming from the likes of me, you might find that title ironic. But I would submit that when it comes to the Texas Rangers you will find few that are more "half-glass-full, skies-always-blue" than me. I also like to think I'm not one that is prone to knee-jerking. Well, say hello to my rather crotchety, extremely perturbed alter ego. He is not pleased at all with the way things are going. He has some hot sports opinions and he's got a platform. Here we go.

One, I think it's time to make an attempt to sell high, while there might still be buyers. I will give you my top three potential tradees. First on the block? Coco "I'll call you 'Walk the lead-off guy'" Cordero. Holy crap! I think it's time to face facts that we've already seen his best. He's fallen in love with that freaking slider of his, and last night his beloved got roped down the line by a pip-squeak shortstop. Enough! Every save is an adventure worthy of a themed ride at Disneyland. "Who wants Coco?"

Next, and don't get me wrong, I love this guy, but Kevin Mench should probably continue his career elsewhere. This will be about the 4th year in a row that we're supposed to be prepared for a breakout. Well, guess what. It ain't coming. He's still gonna be flirting with the Mendoza line with runners in scoring position and end up hitting 30 homers yet somehow only have 68 RBI. It's been fun Kevin, but...well...later.

Finally, and this one is the toughest and I'm still not completely sold on it myself. Hold on to you boots, but...Hank Blalock.
It's not that I don't think he's good. It's just I'm no longer convinced that he's gonna be the transcendent player I thought he had the potential to be a few years ago. I think Jon Daniels had the right idea this off-season and I fear we will come to rue the day the Red Sox upped the ante.

Just off the list? Mark Texiera. Yeah, you read it right. That's all I'm gonna say about that.


Oh, there is one other member of the team who's act I have deemed completely tiresome. I have this odd feeling that the majority of the clubhouse is right there with me. I think you know. Buck. He needs to be on the next bus out. The season is barely a week old and I see a team that seems to be beaten down by the idea of baseball. This is nothing new for Buck. Every stop he's made has resulted in a team wondering why they have to put up with his crap only to realize that they make 10 times as much as him and they don't have to. Well, Buck...it's time buddy. The minute Buck leaves this thing gets better. I promise. Just ask the Yankees... or the Diamondbacks...

All dogs should be killed...

...At least that's what I thought at 2:30 this morning upon being awakened by the constant barkings, whinings, and howlings of the dog in my front yard. When I finally gathered up the strength to look out the window, I saw him (almost all dogs are masculine to me) standing there seemingly guarding my mailbox. "Stupid Dog! My mailbox doesn't need guarding! Move along!” is what I thought. What I did was bang on the window. The dog seemed to acknowledge what I had done. I went back to bed thinking he would now know to move on. My sleep was interrupted throughout the night by continued barkings, whinings, and howlings. Unfortunately, I was never fully released from unconsciousness. Instead, I was irritated and my dream featured a lot of dog noises. BTW, I don't dream about dogs. There might be people who do, heck, I expect you'll see a comment from one later, but not this guy. Anyway, finally at 6:30 the dog's sounds broke through. I was awake. I walked back to the window. The dog is still guarding the mailbox. Mental cursings of dog followed. I then bang some more. The dog circles the mailbox, and that's when I see it and realize the dog can't leave. He's stuck.

As I find my slippers in the dark and prepare to go outside to inspect further, I presume the dog has escaped his owners and then got his leash caught up on something. I hope all that's missing is a being with opposable thumbs to rectify the situation. I shuffle my way out. As I approach the dog, a sort of husky mix, he gives me a couple of barks, more to make sure I see him than to ward me off. As I got closer the barking stopped as he seemed to realize I was coming to free him. He started pacing with excitement. This was, as the Hardline might say, "a good puppy-dog"--calm and good-natured. I then realized that it was not a leash attached to his collar but some sort of wire. This troubled me...and confused me (keep in mind, it was dark and I was very sleepy). I first thought the wire was wrapped around a sprinkler head but realized that instead it was attached to something wedged underneath copious amounts of rocks and earth that serve as my neighbor's front lawn. Him being tethered here was not an accident. While it might have been done hastily, it couldn't have been easy. A new thought then crossed by mind, "All people should be killed."

Admittedly, this plan of action has some shortcomings. But the seeming cruelty of this really irked me. Dogs shouldn't be tied to rocks in the front yard of random houses for upwards of 5 hours. Farky has spoken. But we all know this right? I still like to give someone a piece of my mind, though...or a piece of my foot. Oh, I soon found a way to release the wire from the collar and then the dog to freedom. He jogged away. I went back in the house hoping to take of advantage of the silence. No such luck, but I was ok with that.
Admittedly, this plan of action has some shortcomings. But the seeming cruelty of this really irked me. Dogs shouldn't be tied to rocks in the front yard of random houses for upwards of 5 hours. Farky has spoken. But we all know this right? I still like to give someone a piece of my mind, though...or a piece of my foot. Oh, I soon found a way to release the wire from the collar and then the dog to freedom. He jogged away. I went back in the house hoping to take of advantage of the silence. No such luck, but I was ok with that.

Super Sportsy Weekend featuring The Opening Day Cavalcade

This last weekend was very sportsy indeed. Not only did we crown a college basketball champion, but I attended not one, but two opening days. Yea for me. For you, this boring run-down of events...with pictures!

Anyhoo, Saturday afternoon was the first game of FC Dallas' season.
It was a fine day for soccer. Even the celebrities were out. Ok, they were marginal celebrities at best. Brandi Chastain, Women's team soccer hero who revolutionized the sports bra and post goal celebrations, was patrolling the sideline looking for someone interesting to interview. I guess she found someone, because, who's that? Pseudo-celebrity #2 Ricardo Antonio Chavira. I don't know who that spare is with him, oh wait, they're both spares. Anyway, we got to watch a rousing3-2, come-from-behind win from our seats behind the visiting teams bench.



On Monday, the story was little different. My traveling companions had changed. The sport, obviously, had changed. So had the quality of our seats. Easily the worst seats I've ever had for a ballgame there. Oh, and let's not forget the outcome. Bummer. Nonetheless, it was a great day. A day of perfect weather spent at the ballpark always will be. There were no "celebrities" in our section. But the hotdogs easily made up for that...and any other deficiencies of the day. Ahh, baseball. My old friend is back.

A grievous error

What have I done? What have you done? So, I struggle back from my hiatus to be told that I've produced the greatest work of literature since The Pilgrim's Progress. The whole point was: I've got nothing (that should be put on my tombstone, BTW). Ok, maybe that wasn't the point, but now I feel all this pressure. Ok, so maybe I don't feel all this pressure, but if it's 6 weeks until another post shows up you only have yourself to blame...and the fact that I got blackballed from my sunday school class.

About that now legendary email, a couple of notes. One, just in case anyone thought I would, or more importantly could, make up such a thing, I did not. It was cut and pasted directly into this lovely blog. Two, the dude is, I believe, older than me. So his overt and excessive cheesiness cannot be blamed on his youth because if he's as old as I am, he can not lay claim to any. Other possible explanations? Insanity or maybe gayness. Third, just so we're clear. When I say "Gay" I don't mean "homosexual". I just mean that your doing something that might require revocation of your "Man card". This is why any and all Gay/Not Gay scenarios cannot involve women. Women can still get away with using hearts to dot their "i"'s. If a guy pulled that... GAY.

Doing right by you...and wrong by everyone else

I'm sorry.
Now, I really do want to give you good people something to read. It's just, I don't actually want to expend the energy to write something. So, in my triumphant return I will be both lazy and mean. Two of my specialties, if I do say so myself. I've mentioned in the past the e-mails I occasionally get from my old Sunday school class. Most of them get deleted. Some get read just enough to see there's no reason not to delete them immediately. Some...some go down in the "You really need a blog hall of fame". This particular one marries that feat (rock me!) with entry into the "Gayest e-mail hall of fame". So, as you can see I'm about to do something very mean. I am about to make fun of an e-mail sent to me via my Sunday School class. But, as I said previously, God should not allow me to be tempted in such ways. I will always fail. I will try to point out all the ways that this email is gay, which is kind of ironic considering the subject of the email. Without further delay, here's the email with the subject of "I'm engaged" (names have been changed in a feeble and half-arsed attempt to protect the innocent).

Hey folks! I'm in Illinois right now, kind of hanging out with my parents for a week or two while I pound madly away at my dissertation all day. Anyway, I'm engaged!!!!

Sending an email announcing your engagement: GAY

THE STORY:
Last Saturday was the SPECIAL day. I had picked FEMALE up from Indiana University in Bloomington the weekend before, and we'd spent the week, her spring break, rather quietly, hanging out with my parents (this was HER idea--she loves my parents). Finally Saturday arrived, which I'd told her would be special. She suspected something was up, but she didn't know much more than that.

It was destined to be a star-filled day.

That sentence: GAY

In the morning, I took her to Chicago's Adler Planetarium, which overlooks Lake Michigan. On the way there, we read from my field guide to the constellations. The cover of the book features a depiction of Ursa Major, the big bear. Her nickname for me is "Bear," so we had a little laugh about that.

Cute nickname talk: GAY

The planetarium was SO much fun.

SO much? : GAY

It's located on Lake Michigan, so it has a breathtaking vista which we really enjoyed. And because we're both museum lovers, we soaked in learning the whole day. For us, an ideal day!

Ending sentences with exclamation marks: GAY

The museum closed at 4:30, and as it was closing, the cafe area began hosting a wedding reception. So love was already in the air. :)

That sentence: VERY GAY
Use of emoticons: GAY

I then took her to this incredibly deluxe restaurant located on the top floor of the Hancock Building, one of Chicago's tallest skyscrapers. The reservations were for 5:30pm, so we were there in time to see the sunset blazing on Chicago's skyline as we enjoyed some EXTREMELY gourmet fare. I also had a bag of Godiva Chocolates with me, which I'd picked up from Northpark Mall.

Describing not only the brand of chocolate, but where it was purchased: GAY.

A week ago, I told her I had a surprise for her, but I wanted to throw her off the scent by telling her she could EAT the surprise (so she'd thing it wasn't a ring). The bag was part of the ruse. She didn't know there was a ring stashed in the bottom.

Thinking your fiance is actually falling for the "ruse": GAY

The plan was to eat our after-dinner chocolates somewhere special--that's all she knew. Well the FULL plan was to walk a block away to Watertower Place, where a horse-drawn carriage awaited us. Imagine my shock to find that it was physically impossible to cross the street to our carriage--an anti-war parade was blocking the way! On the spur of the moment, I whisked her into WaterTower Mall. Thankfully, a few minutes later, the parade had passed.

Getting all worked over a possible minor departure of plans: GAY

However, there was another hitch in the plan. I had arranged to have the carriage bring us to Navy Pier, which is right on Lake Michigan. (Navy Pier is like a cross between an old-school theme park and a high-tech entertainment venue that hosts plays, etc.)

Navy Pier (despite the name): GAY

However, though the parade had passed, the street itself was still virtually closed! And it stood between us and the Pier. I quickly suggested that we spend some time looking at books in a really deluxe Borders Bookstore

Overuse of the word deluxe, especially describing a chain bookstore: GAY

that's right on Michigan Avenue. (Sidenote: Michigan Avenue, a.k.a. the Magnificent Mile, is Chicago's version of 5th Avenue in New York.)

Sidenotes: GAY

Finally I slipped away from FEMALE in the bookstore, discovered that the street was now clear, and arranged to have the carriage take us down. Then I returned to FEMALE. She thought we were headed home. Instead, I brought her inside a beautiful horse-drawn carriage! Clop-clop-clop went the horse as we headed toward our mystery destination.

Onomatopoeic description of carriage ride: GAY

Gradually our goal was revealed to her: Navy Pier, where we'd had so much fun together last summer!

Did I mention the exclamation marks? : Still GAY

We enjoyed the lights, but primarily we headed to a secluded sandy beach just north of the Pier that we had enjoyed some months ago. As we approached the lapping waves of Lake Michigan, we looked up at the stars we had studied earlier in the day. Again I pointed out Ursa Major, the great bear. I then gave her a special chocolate from the bag, and as she was taking it out of its special container, I held her and said, "FEMALE, you can see that the sky has a bear... but you don't! FEMALE, could I be your bear??

Do you really need me to tell you? : Super GAY

FEMALE [getting down on one knee and opening up the case with the ring], would you marry me??" Angels appeared overhead and rejoiced (I think, kind of fuzzy after this) as FEMALE wept and we held each other!

The phrase "we held each other": GAY

A long, romantic ride back in the carriage followed, and our drive back to Morris. As we neared home, we opened a box of Godiva Chocolates. As FEMALE bit into the first one, I began playing a CD I'd burned while still home in Dallas. It was a compilation of "our songs," first Sinatra's "I've Got You Under My Skin," then Louis Armstrong's "Only You," and finally Judy Garland singing, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

The compilation: GAY
Judy Garland: Very GAY

I'd been singing these songs to her all week, so it was the culmination of days of preparation.

A week of those songs...being sung: GAY

It was too magical to go back home right away, so we went to a nearby park which is situated right on the Illinois river.

"Too magical"?: GAY

It was deserted and romantic. We opened the doors of the car, cranked up the music, and danced there in the dark next to the river, to the lilting rhythms of Sinatra.

Erroneously ascribing "rhythms" to Sinatra: GAY

The evening's finale came after we got home. I decided to wash FEMALE's feet. (Thanks for the idea, Alana!) I sat her down on her bed, brought in a special bowl and towel, and washed her feet, as an emblem of the life of service I would live for her, loving her as Christ loved the church!

My faith in God precludes me from commenting on the washing of feet thing

I think we did some kissing after that. Anyway, the bottom line is... I popped the question, and FEMALE said Yes!!! :)

Triple exclamation, emoticon : GAY and GAY

Your welcome and I'm sorry...again.

I like slacks

"Why?", you say. Well, because mainly I find them to be the most comfortable pant choice. Just so we're clear (prolegomena?); jeans, chino's, and khaki's are not slacks. Slacks are usually a little dressier in nature. Often made of a thinner fabric than the list above. Although, I also enjoy my wool slacks.

Nonetheless, I like 'em. My preference would seem to be counter-cultural. Most people have their favorite pair of "comfortable jeans", but I find them heavy and not especially giving. My slacks on the other hand, remind me of my pajama pants, light and forgiving. Heck, I'm tempted to take a nap right now. It might be important to note that my workplace does not require such attire. In fact, I cause suspicion when I show up wearing something with cuffs and a pleat or two.

All this to say, if you've lived you life looking down on slacks because of some negative connotation they might have attained when you were a youngster, you should give them another try. They look smashing, they comfortable, plus if you get bored you can check out your thigh muscles through the thin material.

Controversy for the bored

Ok, I'm sure no one really cares about this. But I've got this freaking blog, and well, you're desperate enough to be here reading it...so...

In case you were not aware, the MLS (Major League Soccer) franchise formally known as the San Jose Earthquakes has been relocated to Houston, a soccer hotbed. Well, they recently unveiled the new name since Earthquakes and Houston really don't go together. The new name? Houston 1836. Yeah, that's the whole thing. It's very soccer, which means it's not necessarily all that intuitive to the American sports fan. But trust me, is sooo soccer. Anyway, you can obviously see that naming a team in Houston 1836 is one of the most offensive things ever, right? I mean, sure 1836 was the year that Houston was founded, but it's so offensive that they would never think that was a good reason to use that particular year?
Confused? Yeah. Well apparently because 1836 is also the year Santa Ana and the Mexican Army got a whupping delivered to them, using it as a name of a sports team is racially and culturally insensitive to those of Hispanic decent. Did that sentence cause you, like me, to yawn repeatedly?
That seems to be the entirety of it. 1836 is the year Mexico lost and is thus offensive. It is not to be mentioned again. What really got my dander up is a column I read on the FSC website that chose to defend this outlandish overreaction. In the column, Jaime Trecker states that:

Major League Soccer must change the name of the Houston team. Failing to do so tells Latinos across the country that MLS — which cannot afford to alienate any potential paying customers — doesn't care about them. MLS Commissioner Don Garber needs to admit the league and team made a mistake, apologize, and move on.

MLS can benefit from this situation. The league has long tried to win back the 'ethnic' fans who were put off by early efforts to Americanize the game. Acknowledging the offense that '1836' causes to Houston's Latinos is the right step.

As you can guess, I find Jaime's solution to be lunacy. I also refuse to acknowledged the "offense" that '1836' causes. That argument is completely without merit. Obviously, his article required a response. It's fairly docile by my standards, but I supply it nonetheless.

Do you really get paid to improperly analyze a situation and then overreact to it? We're supposed to believe bringing attention to a year that coincides with Texas defeating Mexico in a war is so offensive that those of Hispanic heritage can't deal with it? How then are these people able to stomach waking up each morning in a town named for a man that is known to have led men into battle that resulted in the death of thousands of Mexicans?
The answer is their reaction and complaints are ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous. The only thing more ridiculous is your condoning such reaction from the Windy City, no less. Go picket the Blackhawks or something.

Signed Farky...but you can call me 1975.

Tuesdays with a freak

I don't think I'm normally one to make fun of another's physical deformities. I have enough deformities of my own. But sometimes, I'm just overwhelmed. Sunday morning was one such occasion.

I was watching The Sports Reporters on ESPN before setting off for church. As I looked up from the newspaper, I saw Mitch Albom on the screen. As you may or may not know, Mitch Albom is the bestselling author of Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You'll Meet in Heaven. He's also, in a shocking development, a sports writer. Anywho, when I spied Mr. Albom, I became transfixed. Time stood still as one question and one question ran on a continual loop through my head. What the heck is going on with his ears?


First, they are huge. I don't mean big...or large. Gargantuan would be a good word. The coverage area is approximately the same as the Princess Leia hairdo. Ok, so they're big. Two, and maybe more importantly, they are quite craggy. The space and definition between the helix and the antihelix is moat-like. The picture I've provided does not do them justice. Trust me. I think the picture below, though, does come closest to capturing the essence of Mitch Albom's ears.

Look Dude, We're all tired

I know in the past I probably violated some social mores when I mention the proceedings in my office's men's room. Like here, here, and of course here. But once again, something so remarkable happened that I feel you must be informed.

Yesterday, as I leave the office for my lunch break I stopped off in the little boy's room to ,you know, go. Well, when one finishes up at the urinal and turns to the sinks or where ever, you are facing the stalls. As anyone is aware, some public restrooms and their stalls are built better than others. Some don't have gaps which allow you to see through. Ours, of course, do. So as I turn I catch a glimpse of a man in the stall nearest the wall. He is seated. He is leaning against the wall. He is asleep. I washed my hands and left to grab bite while wondering what kind of person would want to sleep like that...in there.

I returned from lunch and headed back to the bathroom, probably about an hour and quarter or so later. And what do I see as I turn? Same dude, same stall. Still asleep!

Someone please give me an explanation. And no, he wasn't dead.

How I reacted to Texas winning the National Championship

...not that you care. As you may be aware, I am a somewhat devoted fan of the Texas Longhorns. No, I did not attend the school but because my Alma mater "competes" in Division III I think I have a strong argument that I retain all previous rooting privileges. That being, as long I can remember, I have rooted for two teams: the Dallas Cowboys and the Texas Longhorns. So it is, with overwhelming anticipation, that I approached the Rose Bowl on Jan. 4.

I enjoyed the first half in a fairly calm manner and was more that content with the halftime score. I must admit that when USC scored to make it 38-26 in the fourth quarter I began preparing myself for the possibility that Texas might not win. At that point, I consoled myself that the Longhorns had made a good showing and hadn't been run out of the stadium as some, if not most, predicted. It is in that same calm, grounded demeanor that I watched the rest of the game. Until...until that glorious 4th down stop with 2:09 left. Then the importance of the event I was witnessing via TV came crashing down on me. For I finally began to realize that there was a pretty decent chance that the Longhorns could be national champions. So, when this happened (see picture at right) I kinda started to lose it(losing it really not something I do). After the two-point conversion there were still 19 long seconds left. I was what best could be described as jittery (I usually don't get jittery). Then when Matt Leinart's last incompletion of his college career hit the ground and the clock showed zeros I stood with arms raised in complete exultation and screamed. Something to the effect of,"They won, they won, oh good God, they won." Then I just stood there dazed. I'm sure the people who didn't leave the watching party early (ahem) were saying things to me, but I didn't hear them. I finally lowered my hands after the ceiling fan had whacked them for the fifth time. I gave my two male compadres a hug. I wasn't sure whether I was gonna cry (I don't cry). I was numb. I then stayed up till 1 am watching highlights.

BTW, if anyone wants to watch the last 11 minutes of the game again I have it recorded (in HD no less). I've already re-watched it three times. It still makes me exceedingly happy. Now, take a moment and bow to the great one.

The Book of Daniel

I am fully prepared to admit that I've become completely out of touch. I will admit that I am clueless and self-righteous and moralistic and a fundamentalist and whatever else you might find fitting. Just tell me. Tell me I'm the crazy one and I'll accept it.


So Wednesday night I sat down to watch the premiere of this "exciting new series". Yes, it aired on Friday but I didn't get around to it until Wednesday. Let's all take a moment and thank God for Tivo/DVR/PVR. Here's a brief synopsis I copied from the Dallas Morning News:

The Book of Daniel details the adventures of the Rev. Daniel Webster and his troubled family. His trials include: an alcoholic wife, drug-dealing daughter, oversexed high school son, gay college-age son, bisexual sister-in-law, adulterous father and a mother with Alzheimer's who's prone to making embarrassing remarks. A pot-smoking housekeeper in a posh residence oversees it all.

Amazingly enough, none of that stuff--including the appearance of Jesus as Daniel's happy-go-lucky joke popping buddy-- fazed me. I am fully prepared to believe that since ministers are, in fact, human they might be surrounded or related to those who make incredibly bad choices. We're all fallible, you know. Now this particular episode was 2 hours long. Yeah, I know. I had fought through a variety of possibly offensive scenarios and an hour and a half when Daniel shares some of his Vicodin stash with the Bishop before he begins a marriage counseling session with a fictional couple.

Once again, I've made it this far, and to some what I will describe next will pale in comparison to the deviantness to which I've already alluded, but nonetheless. Rev. Daniel begins the session with some questions about monetary issues, if they discussed kids, whatever. Then he asks, "So how's your sex life? Is everything ok?" I was dumbfounded. Neither member of the couple showed surprise or shock, but the prospective groom answers, "No," while the prospective bride answers, "Yes." The the groom adds, "She can't have sex without being stoned." Once again no shock or embarrassment registers on any of the faces; and no, we're not talking about the biblical stoned. The bride then asks, "Are we weird? Is there something wrong with us?" To which Daniel quickly assures them they are not. Oddly enough, in a parallel to the show, Jesus happened to be sitting next to me on the couch watching the show. As this exchange occurred Jesus and I looked at each other with eyebrows raised, turned back to the TV and simultaneously said, "What the...?" I then stopped the show and deleted it. I also deleted any future recordings.

So, to paraphrase the fictional prospective bride, am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? Does every marriage counseling session with a minister of the Gospel include questions about the couple's sex-life with the presumption that there already is one? Is a couple's admission to premarital sex and recreation drug use met with such nonplussed replies? Tell me! I don't know. I have an idea, though. And that's why I stopped watching the show. And it's not necessarily because I was offended or anything like that. It's just because the whole scene struck me as so completely unbelievable. I was reminded once again that they don't get it. They don't get faith, especially in God. They just don't get any of it.

So America, it's now up to you. Tell me, how crazy/unreasonable/disconnected/irrelevant am I.

Oh, and another thing. If you're gonna call it a dramedy, it's supposed to be funny.

I do not apply myself

There, I said it. Next time you click over here hoping to read something new and insightful and ridiculously funny and instead find the same headline from 6 weeks ago just know that it's not because I couldn't think of anything or because I'm too busy or because I don't love you enough. It's because I don't apply myself.

In a time of brief reflection during the new year this was my "big revelation." I think if you were to ask my friends and family if this were true, they would just fold their arms and slowly nod. Whether it be my career (heh, it's funny to even mention it), meeting those of the female persuasion, my relationship to the Almighty, concert attendance...whatever else you might dream up. I need to apply myself.

Now, I must admit I'm not completely sure how to pull that off so here's what I'll do. This year I resolve (even though I DO NOT make resolutions) to not give myself escape routes (I am a master at the escape). Ok, I probably still do that, but I really try not to and when I do, I hate myself even more than normal.

As far as this little site goes, hopefully I'm back.

2006 - No Escapes!

Football throughout the ages

So, my beloved Horns are gonna play for a national championship. They were able to eek past Colorado on Saturday. I am filled with an emotional cocktail of excitement, anticipation, and nervousness. But just because the BCS got it right this year (insert your preferred "blind squirrel" or "broken clock" joke here), does not mean my hatred has been reduced. And just because there is almost zero controversy this year, it doesn't mean we should let one of the worst championship systems in the history of sports skate.

If you were here last year, you already know my plan. If not, go read it...quickly! I feel I must add (or I guess remove) on little detail and then an explanation.

In my plan of a 16 team playoff, all champions of the 11 conferences get automatic bids. It may seem a little crazy to let the Sun Belt or even MAC winner in, but I believe it serves a purpose to have a similar effect that the basketball tournament has had. That being of leveling the playing field. No longer will the major or classic "power conferences" have a stranglehold on the chances to win. They'll still have most, but not all. That would not only raise the level of interest throughout the country, but, more importantly, give all small schools and small conferences a chance. A chance to win, a chance to been seen, a chance to recruit. Without a tournament, I'm not sure anyone would know or care about Gonzaga, but they do now. I would hope that similar stories could play out in football.
So now, without further delay, the mythical play-off that would occur in 2005.

Mythical 2005 NCAA Playoff Bracket (BSC ranking; or AP if not in BCS)

#1 USC (1)
#16 Arkansas St (NR)

#8 Miami, FL (8)
#9 Auburn (9)

#4 Ohio St. (4)
#13 Boise St. (28)

#5 Oregon (5)
#12 Fla. St. (22)

#3 Penn St. (3)
#14 Tulsa (35)

#6 Notre Dame (6)
#11 TCU (14)

#7 Georgia (7)
#10 West Virginia (11)

#2 Texas (2)
#15 Akron (NR)

See, God's on my side

Hello.

As I'm sure you're aware, I am a single male. This implies several things-- some of them untrue, but nonetheless-- like I'm messy (true...sorta), I can't cook (not true...sorta), I cannot properly do a load of laundry, or I do not decorate for holidays (TRUE, TRUE, TRUE). This last one has been a point of contention for some time. The way I see it, there's no need to put up a tree or, God forbid, lights on the house when I will be far away from my home on Christmas day. When people discover this fact a sad, disapproving look comes over them and the following conversation typically ensues:

Person with Christmas Spirit: You don't put up a tree?
Me : No.
Pw/CS: Really?
Me : Really.
Pw/CS: Why not?
Me : Don't know, just seems pointless. It's not like I'll be there opening up presents around it on Christmas or anything.
Pw/CS: You got to put up a tree.
Me : Actually, you don't.
Pw/CS: You're such a Scrooge.

Now, this exchange has occurred numerous times. Parents, other family members, friends, co-workers with generally the same conclusion. I am a scrooge for not adorning the inside and outside of my home with audacious displays of yuletide cheer. Let me confess, on some level, I think I might agree with them. But at the end of the day, my own pragmatism wins out and I just can't justify the time, energy, and money spent on something I'll be tearing down in 3 weeks.

So it was with mild amusement I realized that everyone who actually acknowledges the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ and spent this long weekend putting up lights and plastic nativity scenes and various wooden reindeer found their displays rearranged and relocated by an "act of God". Especially after seeing what happened to the big tree in downtown Ft. Worth, I can only assume, God's right there with me.

I see weird people

If you're asking where I've been, the answer is here. If you didn't notice I've been bloggily reticent, well, I guess I can't blame you....

...Anyway. This Saturday I was afforded several opportunities to behold my fellow man and think, "What the...?" My first encounter was while running at the aforementioned park. The park always seems to present opportunities for oddity, like the girl singing off-key at the top of her lungs, or the time I was ten feet from being barreled over by a horse...yes a horse. Anyway, I'm running along the trail and I look up and see a man coming my direction on a bike. No biggy, just some dude who seemed to need some exercise, maybe even a little bit more than I needed it, but who am I to judge. Then I noticed what looked like smoke around his head. It was cooler than normal, but I hadn't noticed my own breath as being visible all morning, so... surely not... then I smelled it. As he passed he took a drag. Yes, that's right, a guy willing to take time out of his Saturday morning to go to the bike trail and ride also thought it a good idea to smoke a cigarette while doing so. Well, dude, it's not. It's one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. Maybe not the the weirdest on this day, but the dumbest.

The other two sightings are probably less fantastic given my locale, but even so. Saturday night I found myself in the company of about 20,000 others as we enjoyed the ebb and flow of a U2 concert. Pretty good seats and a pretty...pretty...pretty good concert. A couple of things bothered me, though. One, and I'm sure this is gonna put me a bad light, but should not there be some sort of weight limit on who can stand up and dance in public? I'm just saying that there is something unnatural about the site of a woman on the wrong side of four bills dancing. There, I said it. You can hate me now but I don't care. While standing at the concert witnessing all this frivolity, I did notice that men and women seem to adhere to very different standard on displays of public excitement. Along with that girl, I could include the girl next to me who was so out of control at times my personal domain was severely encroached. Especially when I took a moment to use my seat for it's intended purpose. Do the math people, if I'm sitting and she's standing...yeah, that's right... butt in my face. And in no way was that a favorable outcome. There was also some chick in the row in front of my who was dancing like she was in the privacy of her own home. Lot's of jumping, arms everywhere, just crazy. On the other hand, the most you can get out of the usual guy is a head bob and a clap. Most of the times the hands stay in the pockets, and never should any self-respecting male use a spin move...or a prop...except for...

This guy. The winner of "Saturday's Weirdest person entering Jason's world" contest goes to the fifty-something-white guy at the concert. Normal build with wavy (note the wavy) white hair. Wearing sunglasses...indoors...at a concert where they have curtains over the doors so as not to allow light in. Yeah. I also noticed he strutted around like he owed the place. Along with his sunglasses, he's wearing a western style shirt with two guitars on the back. Probably not iron-on, maybe embroidered, with writing that would seem to indicate some tight or loose affiliation with an organization dedicated to the pursuits of guitar playing and/or rock'n roll, but who can really know. It was dark! As I was attempting to make sense of all this, he walks up to the railing at the front of our little section and proceeds to--along with The Edge, I presume-- play air guitar with one leg resting on said railing. Dude, that's just weird.